Entire Twilight Saga Reveiw
by Inuchigo
Summary: If you want to know an averages reader on Twilight then look no further. Note this is my honest opinion if you dont aggree then you dont have to read. T rated just in case
1. Chapter 1

**The whole Twilight Saga Review Part 1**

It's common for books to have impossibly adorable girls and guys who make guys like me jealous with how many girls they got going after them. But what if the dude in question was a vampire? Well first I would avoid the garlic, and holy water, and maybe I would think about NOT BLEEDING. Hence Twilight.

Now I am reviewing ALL FOUR BOOKS of Twilight, seems like a tall order but hey let the n00b reviewer handle this his way. In short the entire plot can be summed up as such. Girl sees vamp. Vamp sees girl. They fall in love and have to deal with problems that follow with dating a vampire. Of course it can only get MORE complicated so let's start off with how I feel.

I personally see no problem with the Twilight Saga is what I wish I COULD say if the books weren't so damn complicated. Let me explain. You see the first book was like biting into my favorite candy bar a Whatchamacallit or a hot celebrity. It introduced us to Bella a girl who is a complete klutz. Imagine Archie with a tire iron in his brain. She falls for a twerp named Edward who is a vampire. Now I am not sure I like these two very much as Bella complains on how Sakura useless she is and Edward whines about how he is not right for her. GET ON WITH IT.

So the whole book is all about Bella trying to come to terms about loving a vampire who could snap her like a twig or Michael Jackson's nose and eat her, while Edward tries his best to not pull a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde impression. Dr. Jekyll here is the side that loves Bella and wants to please her and Mr. Hide being the part that wants to suck Bella dry.

Basically a romance that could have ended with a sex scene. But then three bad vampires show up while the Cullen's (family of vamps name) are playing baseball. The three bad guys want to eat Bella for no real reason. The main bad guy, James, only wants her because she smells good. That's not a great reason, if my female friends put on a Whatchamacallit scented perfume that doesn't mean I am going to stalk her and it sure as hell doesn't mean I am going to eat them. It all boils down to Bella trying to take James on alone , but then remembering she sucks and Edward cam to save her. And all that battle boiled down was James and Edward throwing each other across an empty room. Btu James gets torn apart and burned, and everyone is happy. Sorry to spoil the end like that but I thought you could predict a plot twist like "THE BAD GUY DIES".

What I liked the most about Twilight was the Cullen's from Carlisle the "Dad" of it all, to Alice the short little vampire who can see into the future, to Rosalie the hot one. My only problem was the villains came out of nowhere they just randomly show up and cause trouble. Also Edward is a lot too emo for my taste. But at least there is a probable reason for the vamps to go outside. They don't turn to dust the sparkle like some retard trying to glue diamonds onto a cat.

Next on the menu we have New Moon, which is like a nice steak, but sautéed with to much FUCKING EMONESS. Seriously this book plays out like a cheap movie. Things start off great then a dumb thing happens, main character suffers. Then when everything seems great it all turns to crap for something epic and all turns out well. That is all that happens. So if you can guess Bella endangers herself at her party in front of Jasper who can't really control himself from not eating people as well as the others and Edward feels Bella would be safer if he broke up with her. It takes months and months for her to start ACTING human which is ironic if you think about it and she tries to make herself feel better. How does she do this? Well she chills with her best friend Jacob who is Native American just in case your racism radar was going off. She has Jacob rebuild motorcycles so she can try being EXTREME.

Of course all shit goes up when Jacob vanishes for weeks and then returns with a HUGE growth spurt. Also a big ass pack of wolves have been seen. Also Jacob is a big ass wolf. SERIOUSLY why can't Bella meet a human what's next Bella has sex with Frankenstein. So Jacob let's slip that they killed one of James friends a black vampire Laurent. . . . . Wait is that racist? Native American Were wolves killing a black vampire? Man I have no fucking clue. So now the wolves are after Victoria who was James love monkey. I didn't mention her earlier because I don't really care by this point. Bella is all frightened so she tries cliff diving. Great Edward leaves when she stops thinking. Smart.

Alice returned to HUGE applause from me because she fucking rocks, the two set off to Italy. For what? SHOPPING. Not really. Apparently Rosalie told Edward that Bella jumped off a cliff and he went to go commit suicide. Can vampires do that? I mean it would hard to tear yourself apart and then lighting your self on fire. No Edward wants the rulers of all vampire's the Volturi to kills him. But Bella saves the day. . . . Some how, the cult wants Bella to become a vampire, and Bella is going to become one. . . . After graduation.

Now what I didn't like about this book was the emoness was shot up so much it was like seeing a band that does nothing but cut them I am thinking of Slipknot aren't I. Also it pissed me off by how anti-racist this book was trying to be. I know no good author has tried to give Native Americans a huge part in books, but Jacob was fine as a tall like John dude. Not humungous werewolf.

On the less whiney side I liked some of the other characters like Aro, who can read a persons past by touching them. And the book let slip some plot ideas like Bella may have an awesome super power as a vampire.

But back on the whiney side did we really need a sequel? I mean Twilight was good enough, and it really didn't end on a note that said OMFG WE NEED A SEQUEL. Now the second book has left plot holes the size of my ego and can only be filled with more sequels and pretty soon people will stop caring about Twilight all together. I know I have, but you'll have to wait until I have part two typed to see what I mean.


	2. Chapter 2

**The whole Twilight Saga Review Part 2 **

If you care to recall I was comparing the Twilight Saga to a menu at a restaurant named Stephanie Meyer. The main course Twilight was an excellent if somewhat dry and often dull. New Moon was the salad . . . . . which was to lettucy for my taste. Also it was too emo and yelled when I stabbed my fork into it. So what are Eclipse and Breaking Dawn on this menu? Well read on cause the paper ain't gonna tell you.

Eclipse is the beverage of the series. It's good, but then you realize its water. Water's good but, it nothing special it's just fucking water. What else do you want?

Well something with flavor would be nice.

You see the main story here isn't about the Volturi, or neither Victoria, nor does it has any werewolf on vamp action. Oh sure they TRIED but trying often fails and leaves a bad smell when it decays in its failure. You see most of this book is about Bella sorting out her feeling for Jacob, and Edward. While the boys are duking it out for her heart. WTF MAN isn't the powerful bad guys the main threat here? Only fan boys and girls wanting to be with they're favorite character would care about pairings. We know Bella and Edward will never split up. . . . . . Again. And because they will NEVER split up this leads Edward having Alice kidnap Bella on occasion to keep her from Jacob which is the height of paranoia. This all leads up to a big battle between the werewolves and Cullens vs. Newborn vampires. And we don't even see that. All we see is a bleach parody battle between Edward and Victoria as they both do a shunpo like attack that reminded me of bleach. Meanwhile Seth is a werewolf (you all remember Seth right?) and is taking on a newborn and Sakura sorry I mean Bella is standing there as usual.

The one thing Eclipse did right was not give us any new characters to pretend to care. All the newborns all die and Victoria also dies. All we have to care about now is the fact that Bella and Edward are gonna get married. That may be an important fact but it came towards the end of the book so I stopped caring. Oh and we got an epilogue in Jacob's POV and he has gone emo because Bella chose Edward over him so he runs away.

Finally we move to Breaking Dawn the dessert of the menu its sweet, but then you make the mistake of asking what was in it and found out that the chef used mucus from his nose and his own piss to make it and you immediately throw up.

You see there are three plots each divided up into little hundred page section or so. Part one concerns Bella and Edwards wedding which I tried to care about me really. . . .Didn't. Then those two go off to Esme's Island an island of which Carlisle bought Esme years ago. Geez I wonder what he wanted. There the books spend a great amount of detail about Edward and Bella in the nude in the ocean and you expect to have a very graphic sex scene enter your mind. Then you turn the page and Bella and Edward are in bed, threes feathers everywhere, and the bed's headboard are cracked. Boy did that piss me off. They spend pages hyping up the sex scene and then don't show it. Although on reflection with feathers and a cracked head board we probably don't want to know. Then our . . . . . people leave the island and Bella worriedly calls Rosalie.

It isn't until section two do we find out what happened. This time we are in Jacob's POV WTF. The book is about Bella and Edward NOT JACOB. He brakes away from the wolf clan, cult thing and starts his own tribe and OH CHRIST I CANT GO ON.

Seriously I understand Jacob wants Bella's sauce and wants to tear Edwards head off and play fetch for an hour with it, but SERIOUSLY WE DON'T CARE. All we want at this point, and if you haven't guessed this, Bella and Edward's child TO WHOM SHOULD HAVE NEVER EXSISTED.

Now here's the problem. Up till now Stephanie Myer had done a good job of interjecting logic into vampirism. She explained the abilities, the lust for blood, and a slightly better reason why vamps can't take a daytime stroll. I mean I prefer the whole Vampire steps outside and POOF another clump of dust to bother allergy affected people. So we understand vampires are DEAD. So HOW THE BLOODY MARY HELL did Edwards's sperm friggin SURVIVE. I thought being UNDEAD literally meant UNDEAD that includes ORGANS. Maybe Meyer or whatever never passed science, but in all logical terms the baby Rennesme should not exist. My guess is the plot was already tarded up the ass that she thought no one would notice, BUT GUESS WHAT. We did.

This all leads up to the Volturi thinking the Cullens found a random baby and turned it into a vampire which is a big no-no. So the Cullens scatter to find friends to help take on the Volturi. You'd think this would lead up to the most epic battle in the history of vampire battles (not that it could hold a candle stick to Dracula vs. Van Helsing) epically since the Cullens found an Egyptian Vampire named Ben who is pretty much the Avatar of vampires, but again disappointments ensue. Instead we get the biggest negotiation scene in the history of anything ever. Also we find out Bella can create a shield to block all mental abilities, but I stopped caring.

The only good thing that came out of this was Bella got hotter; Alice was there, and. . . . . That's it. The bad well. . . . The traded plot, random character change, lack of decent action, Jacob imprints on a LITTLE GIRL WHOS HALF-VAMPIRE, and Bella got pregnant. So yeah Breaking Dawn SUCKED and you should avoid it like avoiding a pissed Edward in a dark alley. Speaking of which I hear a PO'D vampire hammering on my door so I should do the gentlemanly thing and run like hell. See y'all next time.


	3. Chapter 3

The Movie Twilight

If you have been paying attention then you'll remember that I said the Twilight books of not completely horrible. All there flaws are balanced by the other flaws. Bella's useless, emoness, is made up with Edward being a monotone lover. But to turn this into a movie is just retarded beyond belief.

Okay, let me get the praise out of the way. First off the movie is one of the few book movies to actually follow the plot of the book meaning book fans can now rejoice. The setting and enviroments that make up the background are also well-done and makes me glad that tree exist. The music could be better, but this is from a guy who prefers metal, rock, and country to the classical stuff of Twilight. Also Ashely Green the actress who plays Alice does a superb job at playing Alice probably because Alice is the only Twilight character who isn't just an emo waste of space. But that was a problem with the books too so yeah. All done? Good now for the crap.

Ok, it's always risky having a book franchise go to movie. Twilights problem is that the characters are bland at most times within the books so for the movie your asking us to make the actors act bland. Good thing Cedric Diggeri from Harry Potter is Edward. Nothing says take me seriously like a dude who died at the hands of Wormtail. Kristen Stewart in contrast looks like Bella should, but fails to bring the character to life if that weas possible to begin with. Everyone else is not even worth mentioning because they had absouletly nothing important to say.

The last thing I had problems with was the "action scenes". This is where your sposed to be all OMFG THAT WAS AMAZING. But in a romance novel this never works. The final fight in question between Edward and. . . . .that one guy was basically a throwdown. Literally all these two nerds did was throw eachother across the room while Bella pulled a Sakura and sat there. If your going to add action to a romance tale at least make them tolerable to watch.

So to some up mediocre books made into piece of crap movies. Fans should be wary if this film, but I have a feeling they won't care as long as they they're favorite tale put onto life so they can more easily fantasize about Edward and Bella.


End file.
